As 2015 comes to a close and another year of singledom is logged into the books, I reflect on the cast of male characters that bounced in and out of my life this year.
‘Zero Game’ Medical Student Guy
This guy looked like he had it all going on. He’s handsome, articulate and he’s studying to become a doctor. Except this dapper future doctor has zero game; he’s clueless about the very basic rules of interacting with a woman. His insecurities remain several steps ahead of him and he’s emotionally high maintenance. When I told him it wasn’t going to work for me, he asked if we could still be friends and then probably curled up on his bed and cried when I said no.
Ready to RUMBLE Mr. Tough Guy
This guy was ripped and ready to crush…anything, including me. He was like the incredible hulk, but a white 5’8’ Jewish techie guy. It’s possible he was raised by wolves because on our date he grabbed me so hard I had bruises on my arms. He didn’t even realize how aggressive he was being. Needless to say I never saw this ogre again.
Severe Atheist Guy
This was my one and only Tinder date this year; and I was excited to meet this handsome, worldly journalist. The chemistry and the conversation was great until somehow the topic of religion came up and this guy started spewing about his extreme atheist beliefs. He went so far as to say that he was offended when our President says ‘God Bless America’ AND he was offended that our dollar bill says ‘In God We Trust’. I believe that ‘We plan, God laughs’. Due to extreme philosophical differences that was the last ‘plan’ we ever made together.
Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place
This guy was fun and easy going and loves to hang out and tail gate with his drinking buddies. He was like a big kid who just wants to have a good time. Except after investing a few weeks in this guy, I came to a dead end – because he’s on Prozac. He can drink all he wants because he’s always limber lumber. His antidepressant keeps him happy, but he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place if you know what I mean.
I Love Obama Guy
Yoga, meditation, vegan guy went into the downward dog house real fast. Not only did he order the same girly drink I ordered, but he proceeded to spill the drink all over my new Stuart Weitzman pointed toe pumps. To add insult to injury he was in the middle of describing his extreme political views (which I didn’t agree with) so I got up and told him the date was over and walked out. Philosophical differences like that cannot be overcome. And he ruined my shoe.
Surfer Dude with Attitude
Surfer dude started off hanging ten and being radically awesome. We would have a great time together and we dug each other’s surfer/California chill vibes…at first. But then he quickly became a flake and that wave crashed when he cancelled plans on me because he said he texted me something I never received and then yelled at me for not calling him back and berated me. Dude, like, see ya wouldn’t want to be ya.
Middle-Aged Advertising Guy
This guy loved himself; and from the moment I sat down, he started telling me how great and how handsome and how successful and how smart he thought he was. For a guy who spent thirty years in advertising, he was doing a bang up job of selling himself right off the bat. He spent most of the dinner telling me about the four dating websites he’s subscribed to; and how busy he is going out on dates since his third divorce last year. Oh, and he had to throw in that he stopped to see his 3rd ex-wife before our date with a smirk on his face. This guy needed to end our date so he could get back to swiping right and texting with his next victim.
Limber Lumber Recycling Guy
Limber lumber guy was a genuinely nice guy, down to earth, smart, interesting works for a recycling company. Except when things got ‘fired up’ his lumber was always limber. He claimed he really liked me and that he was just too much in his own head, but unfortunately Mr. Soft Serve could not salvage the situation.
Widowed ‘Wife’ Guy
This guy kept referring to his ‘wife’, except that she wasn’t with us anymore and he was on a date with me! Clearly this guy loved and missed his wife, but he wasn’t ready to move on without his wife, so I moved on without him.
Indecent Exposer Guy
This guy earns the number one spot on my list. This guy was cool until after a few weeks he confessed that he tried to commit suicide twelve years ago, then proceeded to tell me he was wearing his ‘good underwear’ and then dropped his under/pants (unsolicited). I politely welcomed him to walk out of the door (with his pants on!)